“Dying” and Hoping. 8.4

No of course I’m not actually dying.  I’m just being dramatic, but, man, this is really hard.

I have hardly any energy at all.  The only bright side of that is I tend to go to bed early enough that I stopped having to set an alarm for the morning.  I just tend to wake up when I’m supposed to, if not shortly before or after.  Not having an alarm blaring to wake me up in the morning definitely helps, but it doesn’t fight the mid-morning-through-late-afternoon-or-really-most-of-the-day slump.

Of course, I want to be grateful for all of this.  For all of this experience and what it could lead to.  I want to be glad and hopeful and excited, but all I can think is “Eh, maybe when this part is over.”  Maybe when I’m rounder and less sleepy.  Maybe when I’m not constantly torn between wishing I felt better and being scared to death that something bad has happened on a day that I do feel better.

I have my 9 week appointment next week.  Just one more milestone on the road to not feeling quite as uncertain or scared.  I’ll be grateful for it, but I don’t know how much it will relieve me.  I don’t know when that magic moment is that I’m just like “whew ok, I feel pretty confident now that everything will be ok.”  It might only happen when I have a crying baby in my arms.  Who knows, it might not even happen then.  I keep telling myself that 20 weeks will be a good time to relax.  That’s far enough along that any chance of miscarriage has pretty much passed but they can also tell if there are any serious problems.

So, just like 11.5 more weeks, huh?  Haha, sure, ok.



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