Just Sad Right Now. 5.2

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My Malcolm would have been four months old today.

I’m five weeks and two days pregnant and right now, out of nowhere, I’m just completely devastated all over again.  I know we got pregnant again pretty quickly (I’m sure many people wait years for their rainbow babies), but as excited as I am, it is just totally wrecking me how long we have to wait and that I have to go through all of this again.

I guess it’s not out of nowhere.  A friend on facebook is nearing her due date and today she posted this:

Just caught a glimpse of my (still, rapidly expanding) profile in the bathroom mirror and welled up somethin’ awful. A miraculous little boy will be mine in mere weeks”

I remember that feeling so acutely.  I remember how big and excited I was four months ago and it just rips me apart.   I know I’ll be there again, but it’s going to be a long road and right now it just feels so hard.

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