Blarg. 7.1… just kidding… 6.4?

Woof.  So confusing.

Last Wednesday, I went to the doctor and had what was going to be our confirmation ultrasound.  Once she got to the baby, however, all she could really see was the yolk sac and what was maybe the beginning of the fetal pole.  She said it looked like maybe I was less far along than we estimated (using the first day of my last period).  Since I always want to know the worst case scenario, I also asked her if the ultrasound would look the same way if I had miscarried early on.  She said it might, but we’ll know more next week.

We rescheduled for a week later (tomorrow morning) and I was sent on my way.  At first I felt really scared and almost sad already, but then I started thinking back to when we were trying last month, and I remembered that I couldn’t get a very good read on when I ovulated.  Of course, when you find out you’re pregnant, you do the online calculator thing and, based on the first day of the last period, you get your dates.  Those dates suppose that you had an average luteal phase (that you ovulated about 14 days after your period started).  If you ovulate later than that, your dates could be off.  I did a little math based on, in retrospect, the day I think I actually ovulated, and it put me about four days behind the average estimate.  When I looked up what an ultrasound would look like at five weeks, four or five days, it turns out it would look exactly like what I saw last Wednesday.

So I’ve been feeling better about all of that.

Also my morning sickness has officially kicked in.  So I’m feeling better about the baby and worse in just about every other way possible.  But…yay!(?)

Tomorrow morning, we’ll get our real confirmation.  A beating heart is what I want to see most in the world.  Keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well and we’re really on our way to having another baby soon.

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Happy Three-Day Weekend. 5.3

I’m feeling much better today.  I posted this to facebook soon after I made my blog post and finished crying a lot:

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All of the comments and likes honestly have helped me so much through the worst of what happened with Malcolm.  It started the day after he was born when AP posted a picture of him and told our friends and family, via facebook, that Malcolm was here…but he was in trouble.  The outpouring of love over the next days and weeks…I think it almost physically carried me.  Until last night, I hadn’t posted anything about Malcolm on facebook since New Year’s Eve.  It felt good to reach out last night, at a time when I was feeling bad again, and have the collective internet hug of many of my friends and loved ones.

And tonight starts a much-needed three day weekend.  Oh heck yeah. Bring it.

So today I feel better.  I am one step closer…one day closer to having another baby.  Still feeling pretty good.  If this time is anything like last time, I should start feeling like crap sometime next week.  We’ll see, I guess!

 

Just Sad Right Now. 5.2

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My Malcolm would have been four months old today.

I’m five weeks and two days pregnant and right now, out of nowhere, I’m just completely devastated all over again.  I know we got pregnant again pretty quickly (I’m sure many people wait years for their rainbow babies), but as excited as I am, it is just totally wrecking me how long we have to wait and that I have to go through all of this again.

I guess it’s not out of nowhere.  A friend on facebook is nearing her due date and today she posted this:

Just caught a glimpse of my (still, rapidly expanding) profile in the bathroom mirror and welled up somethin’ awful. A miraculous little boy will be mine in mere weeks”

I remember that feeling so acutely.  I remember how big and excited I was four months ago and it just rips me apart.   I know I’ll be there again, but it’s going to be a long road and right now it just feels so hard.

Still Here. 4.5

I guess I’m just going to keep posting these.

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I took that this morning.  Honestly, I mostly took it because I wanted to take one with AP there in person.  It is lovely to see those two solid lines, though.  I love it!

I’ve been thinking a lot about Malcolm and hoping that, wherever he is, he is happy and feeling good.  I hope he’s passing some of those good feelings on to us and his future brother or sister.  I hope he never feels forgotten or unloved or that we’ve “moved on” from him and onto another.  He will always be such a gigantic part of my heart and my life.  We will be better, healthier parents because of him.  We owe him everything.

I miss him every day.  I am so ecstatic over the possibility of another baby, but I miss my son every day and that’s never going to change.

More Good News. 4.3

I took another test yesterday afternoon.  I couldn’t help myself.  This one felt a little more “real” I guess.

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Very clear positive.  We are so excited but it still does not feel real to me.  At all.  Any minute I’m expecting it to just all be over.

But, Amanda, shouldn’t you be thinking happy thoughts?  Yes, of course I should.  And I am, honestly!  In fact, I am overwhelmed by positive thinking right now.  Imagining another smooth pregnancy and, at the end of it, a living, breathing, crying baby.  I’m completely inundated by happy thoughts.  But there are many moments where the total sadness of what has happened to us just kind of rears its ugly head and tells my happy thoughts that they’re too premature…too happy…too excited…too hopeful.

It’s not fucking fair, but that’s life.

And every happy day that passes as a result of these two little pink lines…I’m thankful for them, no matter what happens.

Day by Ever-Loving Day. 4.2

Every day that I don’t start my period is another day that I still have a little future-baby in me.  That is a good thought.  These next few days before I take another test to help me confirm the existence of a new Pinney baby are going to go by super slow.

I’ve started calling it “Sweet P”.  My dad used to call me that.  Malcolm was Mini-Pinney until we found out the gender (read about my first 24 weeks with him inside me here) and the next baby will be Sweet P.

I’m so excited and scared and…scared.  I’ve been very calm the last few days, but I don’t think the possibility of having another baby is really sinking in yet.  I know I’m pregnant (sort of, my brain can’t even really go there, yet), but I can’t imagine the beautiful outcome of having another healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end.  A healthy baby who is not injured while they are being born.  A healthy baby who gets to come home and live and grow with us.  I still can’t picture it.

And yet, here we are.  No period.  Pretty sure that was  positive pregnancy test.  Four weeks, two days (that’s what those numbers mean up in the subject, for future reference).

Let’s see what 4.4 brings.

Waiting is Not My Strong Suit.

So I took my first home pregnancy test this morning.  Good old First Response.  I got what is basically a faint positive, which means either it’ll be chemical and my period will start some time in the next handful of days… or when I test again, I’ll have a stronger second line and know that things are moving in the right direction.

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Needless to say, I’m still pretty excited.  I don’t want to get my hopes up, obviously, and I’m trying to have this weird sort of calm limbo between getting really excited for our future and still knowing that we may have to try again soon.  AP was so sweet – he was like “even if it’s not this time, it’s still great news and we’ll have more great news next time.”  I love that guy.

So for now, my spirits are tentatively lifted (though they’ve been in a pretty good place lately anyway, considering) and I’m just sending my little blastocyst all the good vibes in the world.  Come on little dude!  You can do it! Hang in there!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

So today is day 29.

I’ve been feeling crampy and headache-y for two days straight and no period in sight. This makes me so hopeful and drives me crazy at the same time.

Why does it make me hopeful? Because the only time this series of bodily events has occurred, I was pregnant with Malcolm. So that’s a pretty big, awesome clue right there that I might be pregnant now (four weeks pregnant exactly).

Why does it also drive me crazy? Because I promised myself I’d wait a while to take a test so I wouldn’t get my hopes up over a chemical pregnancy or just a later period. I really want to stick to that because it seems “best” for me, but holy moly it is hard to wait.

So the plan is to take a test on Wednesday morning and then just sort of have that result to help me for the next couple weeks before I really start getting my hopes up.  If it’s positive and then I get my period later, that’s ok, I know what a chemical pregnancy is…I know it can happen. I know, I know.  If it’s negative, then I just go about my life and wait for my period to come and try again next month.

Any number of things could happen even if it’s positive and everything goes swimmingly for the next few weeks.  Something could still happen and we could still lose the baby, but I’m trying to be as positive as possible.

 

This really feels like it could be it.  Hopes are up whether I like it or not.