Trying again

This week is huge.  This week we will start trying to get pregnant again.  I still have no idea how I’m going to stay out of my head and not completely stress myself sick.  One idea I had was to not take a pregnancy test at home until I was two weeks late.  AP doesn’t think I can hold out that long.  I figure I’ll probably be anxious either way, maybe just giving myself something to look forward to will help.  Who knows.  There’s really no way around being a mess, I just have to try not to let it completely overwhelm me.

I get this feeling every so often that this is all just some stupid bullshit.  Like why…what the hell.  It doesn’t make any sense to me that I even had a baby.  Getting pregnant this time around almost feels like the first time all over again – except this time I’m sad and fucked up.  

Thankfully AP is there.  He is simply the most amazing man in the world and without him I would crumble into the earth.  Right into the earth like I was never even here.

I hope Malcolm is watching over us and giving us some good vibes so we can move on and so we can be the parents we want to be.  I hope he can light the way a bit for his little brother or sister to get here safely.  I would really love that.

Everything it will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Jason Mraz, “Details in the Fabric”

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