This week is huge. This week we will start trying to get pregnant again. I still have no idea how I’m going to stay out of my head and not completely stress myself sick. One idea I had was to not take a pregnancy test at home until I was two weeks late. AP doesn’t think I can hold out that long. I figure I’ll probably be anxious either way, maybe just giving myself something to look forward to will help. Who knows. There’s really no way around being a mess, I just have to try not to let it completely overwhelm me.
I get this feeling every so often that this is all just some stupid bullshit. Like why…what the hell. It doesn’t make any sense to me that I even had a baby. Getting pregnant this time around almost feels like the first time all over again – except this time I’m sad and fucked up.
Thankfully AP is there. He is simply the most amazing man in the world and without him I would crumble into the earth. Right into the earth like I was never even here.
I hope Malcolm is watching over us and giving us some good vibes so we can move on and so we can be the parents we want to be. I hope he can light the way a bit for his little brother or sister to get here safely. I would really love that.
Everything it will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold
Jason Mraz, “Details in the Fabric”