I’m exhausted from being sad. I’m exhausted from crying and thinking and hoping and longing and all of that. As much as I want to have another baby, I’m exhausted every time I even think about being pregnant again for another nine months.

I know it’s something I’m willing to do, excited to do even…but just the thought of it makes me so…tired. All of the positive thoughts, like the idea of watching my belly grow, feeling the baby move…all of those are wrapped up inextricably with the overwhelming thought: “UGH I just did that. I JUST did that.”

I know it’ll be wonderful and rewarding in the end. I just need to get pumped. And get ready to be exhausted some more.


Trying again

This week is huge.  This week we will start trying to get pregnant again.  I still have no idea how I’m going to stay out of my head and not completely stress myself sick.  One idea I had was to not take a pregnancy test at home until I was two weeks late.  AP doesn’t think I can hold out that long.  I figure I’ll probably be anxious either way, maybe just giving myself something to look forward to will help.  Who knows.  There’s really no way around being a mess, I just have to try not to let it completely overwhelm me.

I get this feeling every so often that this is all just some stupid bullshit.  Like why…what the hell.  It doesn’t make any sense to me that I even had a baby.  Getting pregnant this time around almost feels like the first time all over again – except this time I’m sad and fucked up.  

Thankfully AP is there.  He is simply the most amazing man in the world and without him I would crumble into the earth.  Right into the earth like I was never even here.

I hope Malcolm is watching over us and giving us some good vibes so we can move on and so we can be the parents we want to be.  I hope he can light the way a bit for his little brother or sister to get here safely.  I would really love that.

Everything it will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Jason Mraz, “Details in the Fabric”